same goofy poses. photos taken 2 october 2011. last t shot 26 may 2011.

comments? questions? compliments on my sweet diy haircut?

so, i’m taking a hiatus from taking a hiatus. i’ve enjoyed being off testosterone. the moods have evened out for the most part, i haven’t gotten too scrawny, and even menstruating every 20 days has been surprisingly tolerable. unfortunately, i forgot about one thing… i’ll spare you the gory details, but for the sake of science, let’s just say my cervix tends to be a bit, um, overactive (what does a cervix even do…?) when estrogen is the dominant hormone in my body. i had this problem for years before i was on t, went to a bunch of gynecologists (and had a number of traumatic experiences in the process) and got tested for everything under the sun and one of them finally determined that basically i just had some cells on the outside of my cervix that should have been on the inside, no big deal. anyway, i guess after 6 years i just forgot that testosterone was the only thing that ever got it (my cervix) to chill out somewhat. since i stopped, the problem has returned, and i want to get back on a low dose of t (for a while, anyway) to see if that will make it go away again.

i did a photo shoot today, so i’m gonna post those pics and give myself my first testosterone injection since may. maybe not in that order.

also, i’m hoping maybe there’s a hysterectomy in my future so i can get off testosterone again without having to deal with the unpleasant (for me) aspects of running on estrogen. i’m bummed about cutting the experiment short, but maybe this blog has provided some useful info for someone out there, and i’m optimistic that i’ll be continuing/re-starting the experiment someday. 

cramps woke me up this morning before my alarm clock even had a chance.  i was a little spotty last night so i figured it was coming, but still––24 day cycle?! ugh. well at least i got a chance to try out my lunette. it’s an awesome bright green color called “diana,” and came in a really nice box which let me know, (i ordered the smaller size) “hey girl, this cup is for a light flow.”  sweet.  i’ve already had some leakage issues, but apparently there’s a learning curve with any of the cups. and it’s way more comfortable than my ancient old keeper ever was. 

it also came with lots of info and several warnings, including (which i read as my cat was checking it out) “keep the lunette menstrual cup away from children and pets, especially rodents.”  i’m dying to know what it is about a small silicone cup that appeals more to a hamster than, say, a curious teenage cat.

on a semi-related note.  um… any other gender-variant folks who are not on testosterone and could potentially get pregnant who like to do it with people who could potentially get them pregnant got any birth control tips?  i don’t wanna take hormonal pills and the iuds are expensive/scary.

also, i can’t figure out if there’s a way to reply to replies on here, but yeah, i do think my face is getting rounder. that was one of the first things i noticed. gettin’ my babyface back. the photos i posted aren’t really a very good comparison though, cuz the angle is different and my face always looks cheekier when it’s scruffy. but anyway, thanks for noticing + commenting!

update! photos taken 3 august 2011. last T shot 26 may 2011.

we attempted to reproduce the same poses as last time, more or less. face, hairline (i think it’s definitely advancing!), body hair, muscles (haven’t been working out as much as i hoped to, but i think i’m maintaining).  forgot to shave/manscape for consistency, oh well.

anyone think i look different?

lil’ bit crampy, too. i was hoping i’d somehow developed immunity.

last T shot: 26 may 2011. the return of menses: 14 july 2011.

so many menstrual cups to choose from these days, who knew?!

(photo from http://en.afriska.ch/)

there are certain things i don’t want to believe about testosterone.

but i’ve been off it for 5+ weeks now, and i just had my first good cry in years. 

i almost didn’t post anything about it, because—thanks, socialization!—i get really embarrassed about crying. even though i was raised as a girl, the message i got was that crying was only acceptable in extreme circumstances. in the 6 years i was on T, i would still easily get teary eyed about all kinds of silly stuff—i’m easily manipulated by entertainment media—but mostly nothing real. no matter how upset i was about actual events, the only time i really seriously cried was when my dog died almost 3 years ago. it was frustrating at times when i thought i “should” cry and couldn’t, but it was also a relief in a lot of ways.

i didn’t realize how much hormones affect our emotions until a while after i started T. when i was on a fairly high dose (1ml every 2 weeks) i had intense mood swings and would get really depressed toward the end of the 2 week cycle. i started doing .5ml shots every week and it was better. then when i started lowering my dose i could do less frequent shots and it wasn’t too much of a problem.

anyway, i really wasn’t expecting this to happen, and thought it was noteworthy enough that i’d better document the experience for the scientists out there. so here it is.

last T shot: 26 may 2011. first cry: 3 july 2011.

photos taken 24 june 2011. last T shot was 26 may 2011.

ok! the first pic is supposed to show my facial stubble, but i don’t think it’s very effective, sorry. the next one is my receding (or, hopefully… advancing?) hairline––i’ve also been sporadically applying minoxidil (against their advice) for a month or so. some body shots to show off my chest/belly hair, and a few of me laughing hysterically while trying to pose like a bodybuilder.

photo cred: the amazing j. smallz

ps. thought i should add that i had keyhole surgery with dr. fischer almost 5 years ago, in case anyone was curious. also, i already have followers?!

ok, i got a tumblr. not really sure how to work it.

i’m a trans/genderqueerish FTM dude, and i’ve been injecting testosterone for a little over 6 years now. over the last year or so, i’d been lowering my dose significantly. a few weeks ago, i went to a workshop at the trans health conference called something like “what happens if i stop taking testosterone” (thanks, awesome workshop presenters!) and realized that i want to stop, at least for a while.

it’s kinda complicated, cuz you can’t really pick and choose what you want hormones to do to you, but basically i’m still really happy with some of the changes (facial hair, muscle mass, not menstruating, bigger junk) and not so happy with some of the others (increasing hair on my body, decreasing hair on my head, mood swings, not looking even a tiny bit androgynous anymore). i’m not binary-gender-identified. deciding to take T in the first place was complicated, and i kinda lost sight of my plan to stop if i didn’t like the effects. i had always heard certain changes were permanent, and resigned myself to looking like a manly man forever, but i learned at the workshop from people who had stopped t that a lot of those things can actually be reversed, to some extent. (your mileage may vary. kids, don’t try this at home. i am not a doctor, endocrinologist, or other medical professional. etc.)

i nervously went to my (previously scheduled) appointment at the awesome free trans health clinic here in town, expecting the nurse to not want me to stop taking t, or the clinic to not provide other services if i’m not getting hormones from them. it was actually no big deal, the nurse didn’t seem the least bit concerned about my decision. so my plan is to take a break, try to backtrack to a place i feel good about, and then most likely start again at a very low maintenance dose.

while i’m off t, i thought i would try to make up for hardly documenting my transition at all by keeping some sort of log of what happens now, cuz it doesn’t seem like there’s much info out there based on people actually doing this. and judging from that workshop, there are definitely lots of people interested in knowing what happens. so, hopefully on a monthly basis, i plan to photographically document changes in hairiness (face/body/head) and muscle mass (trickier cuz i’m also planning on working out more to hopefully at least maintain what i’ve got) as well as do some videos to include voice changes and talk about other stuff that’s goin’ on. i might also do some documentation of body fat (re)distribution and whether my junk shrinks, but i probably won’t be posting photos of that on the internet!

XO

seth